I've always been a big fan of irony. At the risk of emotional exhibitionism, this is a blog after all, I wanted to process some of the tension I felt during my prayer time this morning.
As I began, I felt overwhealmed for a funny reason. Things are going well. They are by no means perfect. There are things to pick up around the house, chores to do, ways I could be a better husband, father, and pastor, and lots of things I could do better at work. Despite all the room to grow, things are moving in the right direction.
That's what overwhealmed me.
I told G-d that I can't keep it all together. I can't possibly be the husband, father, friend, and pastor that I need to be to maintain my current life. Somewhere in the middle of that thought I realized the error of my logic.
I don't hold all things together.
Furthermore, I don't bear the weight of maintaining a good life because I recieved my life by grace. I do feel the tension between what my life is now, and what it is supposed to be. I have a good life now, but the more I trust in redemption, grace, surrender, and focusing on G-d then He is free to make my life into something beautiful because it will bring Him glory.
So for now, the irony is rich. The more I let go, the more I'm able to do. The more I surrender, the more I'm trusted with. The more I live my life for G-d's glory, the more peace and contentment I experience.